Feathers: A Novel Read online

  “Fine.” I sped past him to escape to my room. Pausing at the patio’s French doors, I glanced over my shoulder. “Thank you for being honest with me, Hawk.”

  He merely grunted.

  What had I expected when admitting my true feelings to Hawk?

  He’d noticed me, and even stoked my hopes further by admitting he felt what I felt too.

  I’d gotten what I wanted.

  For now.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Hawk

  What the fuck just happened?

  One moment, Lottie and I were discussing boys, and then she blindsided me.

  I was the man who’d caught her attention.

  I was the man she trusted and understood her.

  Rubbing my hand over my mouth, I closed my eyes and exhaled loudly.

  Damn.

  So many things raced through my mind.

  I admired the way she didn’t back down even though she admitted she was scared. How she put me on the back foot by point blank calling me out on being with Marion. Why couldn’t I distance myself from her the way I had with every other girl in the house?

  In the tundra I called my heart, she’d somehow managed to set up a small flame. I liked to keep people at arm’s length. But not Lottie.

  With one look in her eyes, I saw myself. That terrified eleven-year-old whose father had abandoned him saw her and I’d let her in. And I did notice her slightly differently this time around.

  Lottie—no, Charlotte—grew up right under my nose. I’d blinded myself by talking about her as if she would always be the wounded, skinny girl with short hair. I used words like “little sister” and “kiddo” to compartmentalize her in my life.

  Everyone and everything had a shelf and a label in my life. Then Charlotte came through with markers of different colors and rearranged it all.

  Why did I act so forward with her?

  Shame fueled my confusion.

  I’d done the unthinkable for the briefest of moments. I’d allowed myself to see Charlotte in place of Lottie, and the difference hit me like a ton of bricks. This beautiful soul inside and out selflessly spread her heart out before me, and I’d taken a knife, slashing it into pieces.

  But she’s only seventeen, I reminded myself. I’m fucking twenty-four.

  Seven years spread long and wide between us, like an ocean full of temptation and dangerous possibilities.

  Did I break a mirror somewhere in a past life to warrant this mess?

  The fact I even considered pulling her close made my skin crawl both in good and bad. Good because the electricity sparking between us couldn’t be denied, but bad because I felt just as dirty as the men who’d forced her as an innocent child to do horrible things.

  Yet I want the same horrible things.

  My legs nearly gave out as the dark desires of my heart spoke loudly. One night had obliterated my sisterly adoration and affection and morphed it into curious attraction.

  Since when did I see Lottie as a woman?

  Was it because she looked like a woman now, or was it her newfound confidence?

  What made someone morally sound crumple into a wanting pile of corruption?

  There were too many questions and not enough answers. So I did what I always did. I shut off.

  My thoughts could ramble on in secret. My body could gravitate toward hers in unseen ways, but I would never show her outwardly. I didn’t want to become the next predator in her life. I refused. Lottie had been hurt once already. I wouldn’t allow myself to add to that pain.

  I wanted to protect her, and even if that meant protecting her from me, I’d do it.

  For her sake and mine.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Charlotte

  The next day, Hawk pretended nothing happened between us, fawning over Marion and deliberately keeping his distance. I pretended not to care. And personally, after watching him act like a complete idiot with his brat of a girlfriend, I really didn’t.

  I would catch Hawk staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I didn’t acknowledge him. If he wanted to act like the child I was supposed to be, be my guest.

  Instead, I put all my extra energy into practicing the composition pieces I needed to play flawlessly to audition for the music program at Syracuse University. Unlike Lily, I wanted to move totally on campus and get a real college experience. Yes, it was only about forty-five minutes away, but it would push me to study and not want to come home every weekend.

  “How is your composition coming along?” he asked later that afternoon. His breath fanned the back of my neck, causing me to shiver.

  “Fine,” I replied, quickly moving away from him. His body hovered so close to mine, and his heat seeped into my skin, tormenting me. If I stayed for too long, I’d turn around, and I was afraid of what I’d see reflected in his eyes.

  The next two days were a blur of tension. We’d pass each other, sharing a look of uncertainty. A few times, he opened his mouth as though he wanted to say something, but he never did.

  The night before Hawk and Marion were scheduled to leave, he finally cornered me. He swiped the book out of my hand in the library, slamming the door shut.

  With a sigh, I frowned. “What do you want?”

  “I want to know why you’ve acted like I don’t exist the past two days.” He practically snarled his words. His usual calm and cool exterior appeared ruffled completely. “You glare at me from across the room and ignore Marion completely.”

  “Excuse me for not wanting to talk to a woman without a fully developed frontal lobe.” I rolled my eyes. “Please, Hawk, don’t turn this around on me.” As I rose to my feet, a smirk tugged at the corners of my lips. “You’re the one who questioned why you’re with Marion, only to fall all over her after our discussion the other night. Do you want to lecture me on how children act, or should I?”

  He moved too fast for me to react. Both hands wrapped around my upper arms, holding me still. Cold panic shot through my body.

  The bad men used to yell at me this way.

  They’d hold me and shake me until I bruised.

  Hawk always moved slowly around me, making sure when he touched me, he did it gently so he didn’t startle me.

  But now …

  I’d never seen this version of Hawk.

  Unhinged, angry, and so obviously out of his element, he scared me.

  “Hawk …” I bit back a sob, trying hard to quell the panic bubbling in my gut. He didn’t listen; instead, he backed me up against the shelves full of books, pinning me. “Let me go. Please, Hawk, please.” Fear surged through my body, and I began to struggle. “Hawk, you’re scaring me. I don’t like this.”

  His brows pinched together, and he pressed his mouth into a taut line.

  He’s not listening to me.

  I broke.

  Sobbing, I thrashed in his hold.

  “Hawk, let me go! Please, please, I’m begging you. I’m begging you!”

  The door was heavy and shut.

  No one would hear me.

  Oh, my God.

  “Hawk!”

  My knees gave out, and I sank to the floor. Hawk followed me down, guiding me, his grip loosening until he released me. Gasping out for air, I sobbed, reaching my hands out for the plush carpet beneath me. He sat in front of me, letting me cry. After I managed to calm down a bit, he spoke.

  “You say you want me to treat you as an equal, Lottie—as an adult on equal grounds.” His voice strained as if struggled not to cry himself. “But I can’t even touch you without worrying you’ll think I’m the men who hurt you. I thought maybe if I held you a bit longer, you’d realize that, but I was wrong.”

  I swiped at my eyes with the back of my palm.

  Hawk’s head hung low in shame, his russet-colored hair hanging over his eyes. “I want you to feel safe with me. I thought we’d beat the past together, but I was wrong. I’m sorry.” He caught his lower lip in his teeth. “I’m so sorry.”

  We sat on the floor o
f the library, each unsure of what to do.

  He refused to look at me.

  I rolled myself onto the balls of my feet. “Hawk.”

  He didn’t move. Slowly, I crawled over to sit next to him. Our shoulders brushed, but we sat in silence.

  “I don’t think you’re the bad men, Hawk.” My voice barely hovered above a whisper. “You just scared me. I’ve never seen you so upset at me or be that rough with me before.”

  A jagged exhale came from his chest.

  “I know. I’m sorry, Lottie.” Hawk reached up and rubbed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I feel like a fucking ass for doing that. I just …”

  My heart picked up a nervous rhythm at what could lie beyond that unfinished sentence. “You just?”

  Hawk turned his head to face me, his blue-gray eyes torrid and confused. “I just don’t know how to act around you anymore.”

  Hearing that hurt me. I didn’t want him to avoid me because of what I’d said the other night, but I wasn’t going to lie to him or myself about my feelings anymore.

  “Come on, it’s like you said.” I tried to force out a laugh, but it failed. “Like you said, there is seven years between us.”

  His breathing hitched, causing my belly to flip-flop.

  The tension between us hummed like an invisible barrier, threatening to break.

  “And what if I didn’t care?”

  I gasped.

  “W-what?”

  Now he was giving me whiplash.

  Hawk tilted his entire body toward me, reaching up and gently caressing my cheek so tenderly it hurt my soul. Without giving me a chance to say more, his voice slipped into that dangerous octave he’d used the other night against me. “What if I didn’t care for just a moment. What would you want me to do, Charlotte?”

  Closing my eyes, I breathed in his clean, ocean scent.

  What would I want you to do?

  I didn’t open my eyes but spoke, breathless. “I’d want you to kiss me.”

  For a moment, nothing happened, and I dared to look at him. Hawk’s face twisted in one part agony, one part desire. That desire sent a bolt of lightning between my legs. The small flame he lit in my darkness burned so brightly I thought my body was on fire.

  His lips whispered over mine, sending a shiver down my spine. “Are you sure?” His thumb brushed over my cheekbone.

  Those men made me do bad things against my will all those years ago. Now I was in control, and Hawk allowed me to make a choice for myself.

  “Yes.”

  He claimed my mouth with his, moving slowly at first. We explored each other for a moment as he allowed me to follow his lead. And my God, the man could kiss. I didn’t know a bad kiss from a good kiss, but kissing Hawk must be like living a fantasy.

  My entire body heated under his skill, and when his tongue darted out to lick the seam of my lips, I moaned. Suddenly, all caution went out the window. Hawk hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me onto his lap so I straddled his thighs. I ran my fingers through his hair just as I’d always wanted to, pulling him up into another kiss.

  His hands knew just what to do. They roamed from my face, to my hair, to the back of my neck, and even down my back.

  “I shouldn’t be doing this.” He growled, nipping at my swollen lips. “I’m too old for you.”

  “I don’t care.” I gasped as his mouth peppered kisses along my jaw, down my neck. “I wanted you to be my first kiss.”

  “Fuck, don’t say things like that, Charlotte.” Hawk moaned, moving lower to suck on my collarbone. I leaned my head back to allow him easier access, offering myself to him willingly. My panties grew wet, and I could feel Hawk’s erection through his jeans, rubbing against the thin layer of my shorts. He made me hot all over, and I lost control.

  We didn’t hear the door open.

  Both of us lost to mad oblivion in our boarder line taboo.

  “What the hell?” Melody’s voice cut through the air, and I froze. Fear terrorized my body as our moment died.

  “Shit.” Hawk tensed, and we both glanced up into Melody’s confused expression.

  Our equal loss of control put us in this situation, and now we’d been caught. My arms tightened around Hawk’s neck, searching for protection rather than drawing away in fear. Whatever we’d shared in the library would haunt us both for the rest of our lives.

  Hawk kissed me.

  I’d kissed him back.

  And I didn’t want to stop.

  Ever.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Hawk

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  My brief stint in heaven made the crash back down to earth hurt that much more. Being in Charlotte’s arms made me want to do horrible things to such a broken girl—a girl who’d been abused by men in her past. But she sure as hell didn’t act afraid.

  And when she’d said she wanted me to be her first kiss.

  Hell.

  She could have her way with me.

  But now, staring at her with flushed cheeks, swollen lips, and hooded eyes made me realize just how dangerously close we’d come to breaking all sorts of moral codes.

  Fuck!

  I’m an adult, for Christ’s sake.

  And technically, I’d just broken my own golden rule—no cheating. I inwardly groaned.

  Marion’s upstairs, and I’m down here kissing Charlotte. Shit. Now I felt like an asshole times two.

  Once I convinced Melody to promise me she wouldn’t tell and Charlotte asking her friend to keep this a secret, she left but kept the door open.

  Silence fell between us again.

  “Hawk.” She spoke first, but I shook my head.

  “Don’t.” I moved as far away from her as I could. “That cannot and will not happen again between us, do you understand?”

  She opened her mouth to protest, but I cut her off. “Lottie, we’re done. That was an accident, a slip on my part that should have never happened.”

  Glancing out of the corner of my eye, I watched her face fall. “I understand.”

  I winced at the tone of her voice—defeated and completely shattered.

  “Good.” My mouth grew dry as I heard her quiet sniffles. My own emotion tripped my voice up. “I care about you, Lottie, so much, but I can’t care for you like that.”

  Almost making it to the door without incident, I prayed she wouldn’t press, but true to her stubborn nature, she did.

  “Why, Hawk?”

  My hand gripped the doorframe for support as I glanced over my shoulder. I’d shattered her heart, ripped it in two, and stomped on it. It was written all over her face.

  “Because, Lottie.” Tears stung my eyes knowing what this would do to her. “I’d just break you apart.”

  Her lower lip trembled, and tears cascaded down her cheeks. “But you already have.”

  “I know.” I turned my back on her, like the coward I was around her now. “And I will never do it again.”

  I left her in the library and didn’t look back.

  The following afternoon when Marion and I set off to the airport, she didn’t say good-bye. I knew the moment I stepped foot onto Florida soil, I had to break it off with Marion. She wasn’t for me, and I knew that now loud and clear.

  “Finally, we can get out of here and back to civilization.” Marion scoffed, leaning back in the leather seat of the rental car.

  “Yup,” I mumbled, putting the car in drive and slowly pulling away from the house. Something in my gut told me to look in the rearview mirror. My gaze flicked up, and Charlotte stood on the front steps staring me down.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  “What’s that?” Marion asked, giving me a look of surprise.

  Tearing my gaze away from the beautiful girl who believed in feathers, I stole a few of hers and flew as far away as I could.

  I needed to get away before I broke her any more.

  But I’d left a part of me with her, whether I liked it or not.

  My entire heart.
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  Chapter Seventeen

  Charlotte

  Four years later …

  The years ticked by slowly, punctuated by holidays, birthdays, and graduations. College started, and a new life began for me and Melody at Syracuse University. I’d gotten into the music program with flying colors, and she’d been accepted into their English program.

  Memories haunted me at night in our dorm room. Hawk kissing me with passion always ended with tears stinging my eyes. But the worst one was when he broke his first promise to me.

  On the day I’d graduated from high school, the emotions that accompanied me warred against each other. Hawk never showed. Instead, Mrs. Ames gave me a pathetic excuse for her grandson, handing me a package wrapped in gold. Disappointment meshed with hurt as I’d unwrapped the gift alone in my room. The small package gave way to a black velvet box and an envelope.

  Read me first, was printed across the front of the envelope, so I obeyed.

  Carefully sliding my finger under the flap of the lid, I opened it and pulled out the letter inside.

  Lottie,

  I know you’re probably angry with me right now, and frankly, I’m just as upset with myself for not being there to watch you graduate. Grams told me you made it into Syracuse University’s music program. That’s great. I’m so proud of you, and I know the last year hasn’t been the best for us.

  I made a mistake, Lottie, a big one. I hope one day you’ll forgive me for what happened in the library. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you often, but you deserve better. A part of me doesn’t regret kissing you, but the half that does kills me. I wish you all the best in college, and I hope you find that special someone who makes you happy.

  No matter what, I’ll always be here for you.

  You’re my Little Lottie.

  I hope you like what I picked out for you, and if not, well, I tried.

  All my love,

  Hawk

  My stomach roiled at his words.

  He thought he was being all self-righteous by keeping his distance, but he was wrong. So fucking wrong. It hurt to be away from him for so long. Our emails were few and far between ever since he’d left me standing in the driveway.